A Lover Is Forever

I think i understand
The reason you won't stay with me
You think a ring upon your hand
Will solve your insecurity

So go ahead and play your games
If that's what you must do
Nothing here remains the same
But the way i feel for you

I can watch you walk away
And i know that i'll get by
And i know just what to say
But honey i can't tell a lie

Figure out what you must do
Because you think you're so damn clever
You can marry anytime you want
But a lover is forever

I can watch you walk away
And i know that i'll get by
And i know just what to say
But honey i can't tell a lie

Figure out what you must do
Because you think you're so damn clever
You can marry anytime you want
But a lover is forever
You can marry anytime you want
But a lover is forever

Success Is Nothing



Ever since Gordon Gekko told the world that "greed was good" in the 1987 epic movie Wall Street I as well as many in my generation have been wooed by the sirens of success.  I have noticed that many gay men without the familial support for this lifestyle and disenchanted with finding meaningful long term relationships have turned all their energies and attention to their careers.  But a laptop cannot keep you warm at night nor console you when the stress and strains of one's daily routine becomes unbearable.

I often wonder as to the price of professional accomplishments over personal and whether it is too much to pay.  Is it true that success is nothing without someone who cares about you to share it with?  And what if it is and you are unable to find him?  Then what do you do?



 

Adolescent Memories

We all have adolescent memories, whether it was a crush on the Captain of the Football Team or your first kiss on or before Prom Night, the first girlfriend or boyfriend and the first time we realized that we weren't kids anymore and growing up meant more than "dressing up" but actually taking control of our lives and making the tough decisions.

Somewhere along the path to manhood the romance in me died. Maybe it was never there to begin with or just that I came into the shocking realization after my first indepth relationship that the fantasy man that I created in my head during my adolescence was just that - a fantasy. A figment of my imagination of my heart tricking my mind into believing all those sappy love stories I saw on television and read during a Barbara Cartland phase of the one person that I would fall head over heals in love with and we would conquer all odds and ride off into the sunset together.

But reality is not imagination or fantasy and you learn quickly that the dreams of your youth are just that - dreams. And the older you get the further these dreams slip away as you are no longer caught up in the romance of a relationship especially when its shiny and new and you brace yourself for the day that it will end and you will be heartbroken. 

I often thought that women believed that only gay men were sensitive, this is a fallacy as ALL men have a sensitive side to them - hell, thats what makes us all human. And yes, men cry too in the dark. The fight for love has been replaced with the fight to not be jaded, to treat each new person that comes into your life and who you date as a "new person" and not hold them responsible for the hurt of your past. As someone once said to me "everyone has baggage and those who don't haven't been anywhere!"

My full set of past luggage comes designer labeled in my memories and dreams that somewhere out there is that guy who will knock me not off my feet but off my ass and reduce all those who came before him to mere auditions leading up the Grand Opening and all that is required of me is to keep working on ME and to keep believing that he is out there and that I will find him and just like in the romances of my youth - we will ride off into the sunset together.

I'll Rise

Paying Double The Black Tax

The is nothing to fear but fear itself.  I have seen fear held people back and kept them from accomplishing their true potential so many times that it makes me numb. In looking back on my journey, I have been through so much, seen so much, done so much and accomplished and regretted so much I oftentimes feel I would need three more lifetimes to be able to tell the stories.  But its all apart of living, its like my favorite quote from The Lion in Winter when Katherine Hepburn informs her children that she has wona and lost more battles than they have teeth.

I often feel that my mind is being held prisoner in a world where the color of my skin still set the limits on the dreams of my childhood.  Everyday comes with a new struggle to prove myself equal or better to my counterparts.  Bad enough to be an Intelligent Black Man in America but its paying Double the Black Tax to be an Intelligent GAY Black Man in America.  But even so you learn to thicken your skin and sharpen your teeth and always have your guard up - its the way of the war and the path to survival and no one is ever going to look out for you as well as you can look out for yourself.

With each defeat you learn and grow, with each setback your forge ahead more purposefully than before and with each goodbye you learn.

It's gonna be a long long journey

It's gonna be an up hill climb
It's gonna be tough
It's gonna be some lonely nights
But I am ready to carry on

I am so glad the worst is over
I can start living now
I feel like I can do anything
And finally I am not afraid to breath
Anything you said to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
Cause I am the living proof

So many thoughts fight
They just can't make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof
Oh yes I am

Thinking about life been painful
Yes it was
Took a lot to learn how to smile
So now I am gonna talk to my people about the storm
Oh so glad the worst is over
I can start flying now
My best days are in front of me
I am almost there
Cause now I am free

Everything you say to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
Cause I am the living proof
So many those who fight
They just can't make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof

I know where I am going
Cause I know where I have been
I am gonna feel starts that showing
I am gonna keep rolling
That's the way that I will
Everything you say to me
And everything you do

You can't deny the truth
Cause I am the living proof
So many those who fight
They just can't make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof

Nothing about my life has been easy
But nothing is gonna keep me down
Cause I know a lot about today
And I know yesterday
So I am ready to carry on
Oh Lord