Boy Meets Boy
So I met this guy at a party in New Jersey five years ago - I still remember the powder blue sweater that clung to his body and accentuated each and every bulging muscle, not to mention the form-fitten black slacks that he had on that revealed a shapely behind and thick muscular legs...it was lust at first sight and then he spoke. Intelligence and witt flowed from him like a waterfall after a flood storm and I was hooked.
Several years (and a few relationships later) he reconnected with me via "LinkedIn" and we started dating. We were still in two different places in our lives, I had relocated to North Carolina with my job and he had finished his PhD and was looking for a tenured position at any University that would take a chance on a Research Associate. Despite the distance - we were happy and excited at prospect of a life together and we decided to take a shot at making our relationship work.
Boy Hurts Boy
Somewhere in the first month I began to feel that the relationship was one-sided. I opted to stick it out hoping that my Mr. Right would come to his senses rather than walking away. That's when I discovered that he wasn't as committed to our relationship as I thought and just because he's not making any moves to end things doesn't mean he's committed. Men so dislike confrontation they'd rather ride out a so-so relationship than be the one to call it quits.
I guess the one major excuse for not saying "see ya" to this man once I realized that I was the one sending the flowers, making the effort for us to be together and discussing the plans for the future was that I was just too smitten and by this time had invested alot of emotional energy that bailing out seemed like such a waste of time.
Hindsight is truly 20/20 as the if I know now what I knew then I would have not been as hesitant in cutting ties and in taking a long hard look at the relationship. I would have put him and the relationship under microscopic scrutiny to realize just how Self-Absorbed, Self-Serving and Selfish he was and that coupled with my Giving and Caring nature - this was bound to end and end badly. There were other clues as well such as he was distant, didn't seem outwardly psyched to see me when we got together, was not overly enthused to meet my family and sex was a train wreck - we did it IF and WHEN he wanted to do it. Lesson here is NEVER discount your gut - you have instincts for a reason. If I had been able to compare FACT with FICTION it would have helped me to accept that his heart was just not into it.
Learn To Kick Him Off His Pedestal or Better yet NOT be the one to install him there...
Ponder this: Is he really all that? Okay, really? Often, the hurt is less about losing the man himself and more about not having someone. Plus you could be seeing this guy through rose-colored glasses. So focus on his bad points instead of concentration on the good. It will help you realize that he isn't nearly as hot or fun as you thought. Boy will I take a page out of THIS book going forward.
Boy Leaves Boy and moves On to the Next Boy
In going forward I will try NOT to wander down the "What's wrong with me?" road. It was clear that this Book Smart Moron was just too dumb to appreciate me, and that doesn't mean I'm a loser - it really means that HE is. Based on HOW our relationship ended it was clear now that he didn't love me and it had nothing really to do with me - it was really because we were just not a good match nor for that matter RIGHT together. I am glad we broke it off. For my next act I will be actively involved in ego-boosting diversions like job goals, learning to swim, meeting new friends and working out.
This way I'll be an even sexier and attractive catch for when I meet the REALlove of your life - and hey, if it does happen that doesn't happen either (which I am now even more prepared for that possibility) - I am comforted in the fact that I have MYSELF in addition to a GREAT support system of loving friends, a son and a wonderful family and that will be enough, and if happens that I am alone then so what, I will deal with that too and I will be A-ok.
