A Bedtime Prayer

A Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
He's not afraid to admit when he is wrong.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,
Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind
Knows what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a' itchin'.
He brings me a sandwich TOO when he goes to the kitchen.

I pray that this man will love me to no end
And would never compare me with my best friend.

Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait
For I know You will send him before it's too late.

Amen

Water From The Moon

The first time I ever truly fell in love - it was not requited.  I knew how I felt before my lover did and I did everything in my power to amply convey how I felt without appearing desperate and losing what little shred of dignity I had left at the time.

If he had wanted me to get water from the moon back then I would have lassoed the moon, pulled it down to earth in one fell sweep and squeezed every drop of water out of it and gave it to him.

Fast forward the clock to present day and I wonder how I could have been that stupid.  Hindsight is truly 20/20...and if I knew then what I know now boy would I have done things differently.  For starters I would have left the moon in its place and use my "wringing hand" to slap myself out of my stupor and go find someone who felt the same way about me as how I felt about THEM and take it from there...

Lesson learned - don't chase the things that are coming to you - you'll crash. Focus on yourself and on being happy and when the right guy comes along - he will fit into your pattern and groove and the love you have in your heart will NOT unrequited. It will be mutual and you'll be happier for it.

Mommy's Visit

The Storyteller

Hey there! Yes you!

It's been a while and I know you've all missed me - just been busy with a new gig and trying to keep the lights on and be able to pay the mortgage.  I promise I will return ever so often going forward to share my life and time in my online journal.  Better late than never right - according to my Grandfather who raised me – I was born 2 weeks late, and I have been in a hurry to catch up every since!

Although my current occupation and my career for the last 16 years has been that of an Information Technology Manager and to which I am currently employed at the General Parts International – I relocated to Raleigh Durham from New York in 2006 with my former job as an IT Project Manager at the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants (AICPA).  I love IT however my passion has always been that of a storyteller.

My earliest recollection of wanting to be a storyteller was when I was 5 and I would spend summers in the country with my maternal Grandmother who had OCD and one day she saw me at a sawed-off tree stump imitating the pastor of our local church and delivering a sermon. She then made me a Gown and gave me one of her old bibles and marked off a section of the backyard as my church for me to conduct my services. Her real motives were to keep me out of the house so that I wouldn’t muddy her clean floors so this arrangement was a win-win for both of us.


So every day I would stand at my tree stump in my flowing home-made pastor’s gown with my old Bible and deliver fiery sermons to members of my amused family, the other neighborhood kids or anyone else who was compelled to listen.

But a 5 year old quickly runs out of topics for a sermon and when I started to take creative license with certain well kept family secrets my preaching career prematurely ended. My Grandmother deduced that it was better to keep me safe in doors at the expense of her clean floors than have me slaughtered in the back yard by my other relatives.

I have always been in love with books as books have always fed the hunger I had for stories. When other kids were watching cartoons and had fantasies about being Superman, Batman, Space Ghost or would stand in front of the television set and shout out SHAZAM in the hopes of being transformed into Captain Marvel – I was busy trying to figure out what the REAL mystery was in a Hardy Boys novel.

Reading was a hobby my Grandmother would happily invest in as it shortened the lines that would snake around her house of neighbors who had one complaint after the other about me: “He told jimmy that leather was nothing more than compressed poison ivy with black coloring and that he should make a BELT out of it” – “he bit Peggy Sue on her bottom lip the Doctor gave her two stitches” – “he pinned ribbons on poor Marcus and told him he could be a kite if he jumped off the roof.” The complaints were endless and although the floors weren’t looking too sharp, the books kept the angry neighbors at bay which suited my Grandmother just fine.

Although I was so widely read by the time I was a pre-teen the interesting thing was I was only reading books about things that interested me. I had no knowledge or care about sports – the only games I played was Chess and for many years considered that my only physical activity.

Once I tried to branch out and play soccer and I even tried out for the school’s soccer team, but when I managed to score a goal – in my own team’s goal causing the other team to win much to the anger and bewilderment of my team-mates, it was clear that I had no business being on the football field and that where I belonged was in the Bleachers on the stands trying to finish “The Stand” by Stephen King.

With all hopes of athleticism dashed I then joined the Debating Team when I started High School.

I remember the Debating Team Instructor to be a fiery Nigerian by the name of Charles Enysimwa who believed in delivering canned speeches to us to recite. I didn’t agree with that brand of preparation mind you as I thought the entire notion of a Debating Club was to teach us to argue constructively and be able to rebut the arguments to opposing views. Anyway – the man wanted to write the speeches, so we let the man WRITE THE SPEECHES.

Our team did very well in the debating matches with the other schools at one match in particular (we were up against Holy Childhood High for Girls – we called them the Witches of Eastwick) as they were an all girls school located on East Twickenham) I remember one match I was in the middle of delivering my speech when someone had left the auditorium door open and a strong gust of wind swooped by the Lectern and took away my notes with it leaving me paralyzed and mortified. There was a moment of uneasy silence and I swear I heard a gasp from one of my teammates - I had only to thank my lucky stars that I had committed the speech to memory days before and so was able to continue while the school Photographer collected my speech from the floor, I remember pausing from my delivery to thank him – impressing the Judges and being awarded Best Speaker although our team lost the argument to the witches.

Shortly after I was 14 and had consumed everything that Sidney Sheldon had written, I decided to write my own novel on a Typewriter that my Grandmother and I bought in New Rochelle, that novel was followed by eight others – all unpublished of course as childhood and adulthood are two very distinct stages of one’s life. I became a Father when I was 22 and three years before I migrated permanently to the United States to live with my Father’s family.



Fatherhood gave me a new perspective in life and my writing became more of hobby in my pursuit to be a good husband and father and provide for my son. Which lead me down my current career path. Years later after the collapse of my marriage and my son becoming older and not needing me as much my thoughts have returned to my passion. I have started writing again and even rewriting some of my earlier novels and giving them a more mature finish.

My current manuscript is entitled “Final Man” and is set in the year 5,025 AD where mankind through inter-racial breeding is down to just one race on the planet and is ruled over by a female president (the best and the brightest) and is more evolved than all of earth’s citizens. Future life is scientific, environmentally-friendly and altruistic and money does not exist, ashamed of Earth’s history and past of wars, diseases, famine and racial and social inequality the history books have been rewritten to paint a life that has always been mired in the present. But archaeologists conducting routine excavation in the Alaska Mountains uncover the perfectly cryogenically frozen body of a man from the 21st century and he is still alive and escapes from the housing facility. The President wants the situation contained by him being caught and killed before he penetrates the society and shatter the lie that modern society is built on – what then enfolds is a battle for survival between the final man of the 21st century and the final evolution of mankind.

Yes, I intend to finish it and get it published.

Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

A Lover Is Forever

I think i understand
The reason you won't stay with me
You think a ring upon your hand
Will solve your insecurity

So go ahead and play your games
If that's what you must do
Nothing here remains the same
But the way i feel for you

I can watch you walk away
And i know that i'll get by
And i know just what to say
But honey i can't tell a lie

Figure out what you must do
Because you think you're so damn clever
You can marry anytime you want
But a lover is forever

I can watch you walk away
And i know that i'll get by
And i know just what to say
But honey i can't tell a lie

Figure out what you must do
Because you think you're so damn clever
You can marry anytime you want
But a lover is forever
You can marry anytime you want
But a lover is forever

Success Is Nothing



Ever since Gordon Gekko told the world that "greed was good" in the 1987 epic movie Wall Street I as well as many in my generation have been wooed by the sirens of success.  I have noticed that many gay men without the familial support for this lifestyle and disenchanted with finding meaningful long term relationships have turned all their energies and attention to their careers.  But a laptop cannot keep you warm at night nor console you when the stress and strains of one's daily routine becomes unbearable.

I often wonder as to the price of professional accomplishments over personal and whether it is too much to pay.  Is it true that success is nothing without someone who cares about you to share it with?  And what if it is and you are unable to find him?  Then what do you do?



 

Adolescent Memories

We all have adolescent memories, whether it was a crush on the Captain of the Football Team or your first kiss on or before Prom Night, the first girlfriend or boyfriend and the first time we realized that we weren't kids anymore and growing up meant more than "dressing up" but actually taking control of our lives and making the tough decisions.

Somewhere along the path to manhood the romance in me died. Maybe it was never there to begin with or just that I came into the shocking realization after my first indepth relationship that the fantasy man that I created in my head during my adolescence was just that - a fantasy. A figment of my imagination of my heart tricking my mind into believing all those sappy love stories I saw on television and read during a Barbara Cartland phase of the one person that I would fall head over heals in love with and we would conquer all odds and ride off into the sunset together.

But reality is not imagination or fantasy and you learn quickly that the dreams of your youth are just that - dreams. And the older you get the further these dreams slip away as you are no longer caught up in the romance of a relationship especially when its shiny and new and you brace yourself for the day that it will end and you will be heartbroken. 

I often thought that women believed that only gay men were sensitive, this is a fallacy as ALL men have a sensitive side to them - hell, thats what makes us all human. And yes, men cry too in the dark. The fight for love has been replaced with the fight to not be jaded, to treat each new person that comes into your life and who you date as a "new person" and not hold them responsible for the hurt of your past. As someone once said to me "everyone has baggage and those who don't haven't been anywhere!"

My full set of past luggage comes designer labeled in my memories and dreams that somewhere out there is that guy who will knock me not off my feet but off my ass and reduce all those who came before him to mere auditions leading up the Grand Opening and all that is required of me is to keep working on ME and to keep believing that he is out there and that I will find him and just like in the romances of my youth - we will ride off into the sunset together.

I'll Rise

Paying Double The Black Tax

The is nothing to fear but fear itself.  I have seen fear held people back and kept them from accomplishing their true potential so many times that it makes me numb. In looking back on my journey, I have been through so much, seen so much, done so much and accomplished and regretted so much I oftentimes feel I would need three more lifetimes to be able to tell the stories.  But its all apart of living, its like my favorite quote from The Lion in Winter when Katherine Hepburn informs her children that she has wona and lost more battles than they have teeth.

I often feel that my mind is being held prisoner in a world where the color of my skin still set the limits on the dreams of my childhood.  Everyday comes with a new struggle to prove myself equal or better to my counterparts.  Bad enough to be an Intelligent Black Man in America but its paying Double the Black Tax to be an Intelligent GAY Black Man in America.  But even so you learn to thicken your skin and sharpen your teeth and always have your guard up - its the way of the war and the path to survival and no one is ever going to look out for you as well as you can look out for yourself.

With each defeat you learn and grow, with each setback your forge ahead more purposefully than before and with each goodbye you learn.

It's gonna be a long long journey

It's gonna be an up hill climb
It's gonna be tough
It's gonna be some lonely nights
But I am ready to carry on

I am so glad the worst is over
I can start living now
I feel like I can do anything
And finally I am not afraid to breath
Anything you said to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
Cause I am the living proof

So many thoughts fight
They just can't make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof
Oh yes I am

Thinking about life been painful
Yes it was
Took a lot to learn how to smile
So now I am gonna talk to my people about the storm
Oh so glad the worst is over
I can start flying now
My best days are in front of me
I am almost there
Cause now I am free

Everything you say to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
Cause I am the living proof
So many those who fight
They just can't make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof

I know where I am going
Cause I know where I have been
I am gonna feel starts that showing
I am gonna keep rolling
That's the way that I will
Everything you say to me
And everything you do

You can't deny the truth
Cause I am the living proof
So many those who fight
They just can't make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof

Nothing about my life has been easy
But nothing is gonna keep me down
Cause I know a lot about today
And I know yesterday
So I am ready to carry on
Oh Lord

The Muscle Bitch

Gay men in general are attracted to beautiful things and black gay men are no different. They all lust after the ideal, that symbol of male virility and potency, the guy with the killer body and devil-may-care attitude, the black sculpted Adonis that will make their friends green with envy - the "gym bunny" or most disparagingly known as the Muscle Bitch.

Everyone wants to screw the big muscle boy or muscle man, you know the type, the one who works out everyday sometimes TWICE a day (yeah morning and afternoon and if he didn't have to work to buy the whey protein would also be at the gym at lunchtime too).  In all of Gaydom there is no one more desired, more sough-after and more of a trophy than those who have achieved full physical potential and nothing is really wrong with that except - the attitude that comes with the ones who KNOW it.

But the question that is on your mind is who or what is a Muscle Bitch and how on God's earth can you spot one especially in Church AKA the gym of all places - rest assured because here are the answers to the questions...

Is My Gym Buddy a Muscle Bitch?

The first time I realized that I go to a predominantly gay gym was when I actually took an intermission from my rigorous workout routine and started to take stock of those around me. It is amazing what one discovers when you are able to put things under microscopic scrutiny.

So my story began when I first made it a point to get healthy so I'd been going to the gym regularly every afternoon for a few weeks but every time I go the place is packed and it's hard to find open equipment. Primarily due to the large amount of preening/scoping/ogling/cruising that goes on with the young gay/bi/curious/questioning guys. I thought maybe I'll make the commitment to get up a couple of hours early (6:30) and work out in the morning. Little did I know that the same thing happens in the mornings with the older married gay/bi/curious/questioning guys. Luckily however it's not as many so I get to at least use the equipment but in the process I've come up with 10 signs (things I've seen at my gym) of how to spot a gay/bi/curious/questioning guy at the gym. The next time you're at the gym take this list along and see if you can spot the gay guys at your gym and see if you too go to a gay gym.

1. If the guy spends 20 minutes in the locker room changing into his gym clothes....then he's gay.
2. If the guy is a muscle head but asks another muscle head how a piece of equipment works....then yeah - Muscle Bitch!
3. If the guy wears flip-flops, boat shoes, or dress shoes to the gym....then he's gay.
4. If the guy wears running shorts to workout but never runs on the treadmill, especially if they're in various neon colors....then he's gay.
5. If the guy shows up to the gym at 9:30 and the gym closes at 10....then he's gay.
6. If the guy has to go back to the locker room every 5 minutes because he "forgot" something....then he's gay.
7. If the guy spends more time recuperating from a set than he spent lifting the set, especially if the set was only 20 pounds....then he's gay.
8. If the guy spends 5 minutes working out but heads to the shower as soon as a hot guy finishes working out....then he's not just gay - he's the gym slut!
9. If the guy has the upper body of young Arnold Schwarzenegger but the legs of Olive Oyl (what I call top heavy)....then he's gay.
10. If the guy fails to notice a hot female walk through in spandex & a sports bra, but looks at every male that enters....yes sir - BIG Nelly.

I had long thought that I lost my superficiality at the climax of my twenties and that I was now on the prowl for someone more intellectually and spiritually deep than just plain surface attraction. The truth is what I really want is the total package as the most of the guys who are smart, sweet, honest and witty do NOT take care of themselves physically and if they do - then God help the person who they are seeking to date or worst be in a relationship with. It is shameful to say that I am ONE of those people. I want Mr. "3M" or Mr. Masculine, Muscular and Mature and try as I might - I am too old now to settle...so let the interview with the Muscle Bitches begin...because this employer has realized over time that I might just be the biggest bitch of all.

Always Read The Fine Print

Bromance

I shock alot of people when I tell them that not only is James Cameron my favorite movie director but my favorite movie of all time is the three hour epic Titanic.  Yes people, I saw Titanic 12 times in the theaters when it first came out - hell I wish I had written it.  It really wasn't the cinematography or the fact that James Cameron took a movie and a story that had been done so many times before and made it fresh and relevant - it was really the romance...the timeless love story...the romance that made the story and the movie worthwhile.

In this lifestyle of men who love men the sexual attraction and act of countless, mindless, meaningless sexual encounters are often what is perpetuated and its easier to find a guy to screw than a guy to just chill with and stand still with and who you can be your true self and act goofy.  Chances are when you actually DO find this person he is better off as a friend because the sexual or emotional chemistry is none existent.  Good luck if you can find it all in one package - I have not been so lucky.

I will always remember Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in this movie and just like "Rose" - I'll never let go.  I will always keep on hoping and believing in "Bromance" - the romance between brothers and hopefully in the not too distant future I will be able to emotionally be ready to actively date again and to find "bromance" in all its glory and then - I will be able to dream again...

Somehow, Someday, Somewhere - they'll be a place for us!

With all this talk about acceptance of our lifestyle and the ongoing battle for equal rights with Gay Marriage, I sometimes wish that Somewhere there was a place for us - someplace like that mythical island of Lesbos where the Lesbians were free to live and love without limits.

Someday however I am sure - we will all be free.  Someday, Someplace, Somewhere there will be a time and a place for us.

Robert at Devon House, Jamaica. West Indies

P1050283, a photo by rikki_jm on Flickr.

Not So Dim is the Sum of Us

"Don't brood. Get on with living and loving. You don't have forever. "
Leo Buscaglia

My very good friend Andy and his wife invited me out to a celebratory dinner tonight at the Dim Sum House in Morrisville, North Carolina and boy am I stuffed.  I am convinced that I must have been an Asian in another life - either that or an indian because I went to Azutra for Indian food today with my Bestfriend Grace and the Goat Curry was absolutely divine.  There is just something about food and great company that not only brings people together communally but lifts the spirits irrespective of life's drama and problems.

I remember when I was 13 and first discovered Sidney Sheldon novels and wanted to read everything that this prolific author ever wrote - I had asked my Grandmother for a Sidney Sheldon novel and she couldn't find one in New Rochelle and instead bought me a novel by New York Times Bestseller Leo Buscaglia entitled "Bus 9 to Paradise". At first my heart sank when the book was presented as this was definitely NOT Sidney Sheldon but after I began to read it - it was one of the best books that I have ever read in my life. 

I remember Mr. Buscaglia having a passion for many things in life and the foremost of them all was for food.  I learned many many things from that book infact more than I could have learned from ANY of Sidney Sheldon's novels and the most important lesson that has stuck with me throughout my life as I know it - was to appreciate everything that life had to offer because in all things laid an experience for one to savor, enjoy and learn from.

The way to a man's heart is TRULY through his stomache so I say thanks to all my friends and to preparers of the many meals that I have so enjoyed in the past and I have yet to devour in the future. Cheers - I'll drink to that.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

The Trouble With Love Is...

So many troubles, but this song captures them for me when words fail...

I Whip My Hair Back & Forth...

Every now and then you are caught doing something crazy.  Nothing is wrong with that - life is short and we are all entitled to a little madness, whether it is sporadic or deliberate.  What good is life if you can't feel alive?

Dream A Little Dream of Me...

I woke up at 3a.m. this morning from a nightmare.  It was about my ex. I thought that I had dealt with the breakup and had moved on but obviously I really hadn't as my subconscious was apparently still processing something.  Between the time it took to get out of bed and walk downstairs to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water I had began to think about the relationship that just ended and WHY it was still haunting me weeks after both of us had said our respect adieus. I couldn't help but wonder if he was thinking about me like this as well - I doubt it.

I recalled a poem I wrote about my dream of a loving relationship and how that poem and that dream was put into question now because of all things - I was becoming jaded.  What if there was no soul-mate wating for me out there in the great beyond? What if the person I was seeking didn't exist? Or had already been taken? What if I was destined to be alone?  Overwhelmed with questions and not alot of answers I decided to write these thoughts down come the morning, but in the meantime take my ass back to bed which is what I did.

I heard that a Blog is nothiing more than "graffiti with punctuation" so what the hell? I will continue to put my musings down on paper in the hopes that I will have enough material one day for a great novel or at least a very good compilation of short stories - you never know, we always find our lives far more fascinating than the lives of others.

My Dream


I've had a dream, since I was young
Of just how life should be,
But through the years, try as I might,
That dream eluded me.

I dreamed of a life that was filled with bliss;
I dreamed of love and sharing.
I dreamed, imagined and creatively planned
An adventure for two who were caring.

The road to today was paved with the dreams
That slowly got ground to dust.
And I've trudged that road and carried my load
And tried very hard just to adjust.

Each step made me stronger; each test made me wiser,
So on my long walk, I grew,
Till the time was right one magical night,
For the road to make room for two.

Now my brain shouts your name, and your loving reply
Makes a place for you in my heart.
Baby, it cries - so tender, so wise...
Let's make the adventure start!

Together we're blessed with a perfect match,
Something that's bright and new.
It's not too late, so let's create
A life that makes dreams come true.