Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

A Lover Is Forever

I think i understand
The reason you won't stay with me
You think a ring upon your hand
Will solve your insecurity

So go ahead and play your games
If that's what you must do
Nothing here remains the same
But the way i feel for you

I can watch you walk away
And i know that i'll get by
And i know just what to say
But honey i can't tell a lie

Figure out what you must do
Because you think you're so damn clever
You can marry anytime you want
But a lover is forever

I can watch you walk away
And i know that i'll get by
And i know just what to say
But honey i can't tell a lie

Figure out what you must do
Because you think you're so damn clever
You can marry anytime you want
But a lover is forever
You can marry anytime you want
But a lover is forever

Bromance

I shock alot of people when I tell them that not only is James Cameron my favorite movie director but my favorite movie of all time is the three hour epic Titanic.  Yes people, I saw Titanic 12 times in the theaters when it first came out - hell I wish I had written it.  It really wasn't the cinematography or the fact that James Cameron took a movie and a story that had been done so many times before and made it fresh and relevant - it was really the romance...the timeless love story...the romance that made the story and the movie worthwhile.

In this lifestyle of men who love men the sexual attraction and act of countless, mindless, meaningless sexual encounters are often what is perpetuated and its easier to find a guy to screw than a guy to just chill with and stand still with and who you can be your true self and act goofy.  Chances are when you actually DO find this person he is better off as a friend because the sexual or emotional chemistry is none existent.  Good luck if you can find it all in one package - I have not been so lucky.

I will always remember Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in this movie and just like "Rose" - I'll never let go.  I will always keep on hoping and believing in "Bromance" - the romance between brothers and hopefully in the not too distant future I will be able to emotionally be ready to actively date again and to find "bromance" in all its glory and then - I will be able to dream again...

A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime?

Boy Meets Boy

So I met this guy at a party in New Jersey five years ago - I still remember the powder blue sweater that clung to his body and accentuated each and every bulging muscle, not to mention the form-fitten black slacks that he had on that revealed a shapely behind and thick muscular legs...it was lust at first sight and then he spoke.  Intelligence and witt flowed from him like a waterfall after a flood storm and I was hooked.

Several years (and a few relationships later) he reconnected with me via "LinkedIn" and we started dating. We were still in two different places in our lives, I had relocated to North Carolina with my job and he had finished his PhD and was looking for a tenured position at any University that would take a chance on a Research Associate.  Despite the distance - we were happy and excited at prospect of a life together and we decided to take a shot at making our relationship work.

Boy Hurts Boy

Somewhere in the first month I began to feel that the relationship was one-sided. I opted to stick it out hoping that my Mr. Right would come to his senses rather than walking away. That's when I discovered that he wasn't as committed to our relationship as I thought and just because he's not making any moves to end things doesn't mean he's committed. Men so dislike confrontation they'd rather ride out a so-so relationship than be the one to call it quits.


I guess the one major excuse for not saying "see ya" to this man once I realized that I was the one sending the flowers, making the effort for us to be together and discussing the plans for the future was that I was just too smitten and by this time had invested alot of emotional energy that bailing out seemed like such a waste of time.

Hindsight is truly 20/20 as the if I know now what I knew then I would have not been as hesitant in cutting ties and in taking a long hard look at the relationship. I would have put him and the relationship under microscopic scrutiny to realize just how Self-Absorbed, Self-Serving and Selfish he was and that coupled with my Giving and Caring nature - this was bound to end and end badly.  There were other clues as well such as he was distant, didn't seem outwardly psyched to see me when we got together, was not overly enthused to meet my family and sex was a train wreck - we did it IF and WHEN he wanted to do it.  Lesson here is NEVER discount your gut - you have instincts for a reason.  If I had been able to compare FACT with FICTION it would have helped me to accept that his heart was just not into it.

Learn To Kick Him Off His Pedestal or Better yet NOT be the one to install him there...

Ponder this: Is he really all that? Okay, really? Often, the hurt is less about losing the man himself and more about not having someone.  Plus you could be seeing this guy through rose-colored glasses. So focus on his bad points instead of concentration on the good. It will help you realize that he isn't nearly as hot or fun as you thought. Boy will I take a page out of THIS book going forward.

Boy Leaves Boy and moves On to the Next Boy

In going forward I will try NOT to wander down the "What's wrong with me?" road. It was clear that this Book Smart Moron was just too dumb to appreciate me, and that doesn't mean I'm a loser - it really means that HE is.  Based on HOW our relationship ended it was clear now that he didn't love me and it had nothing really to do with me - it was really because we were just not a good match nor for that matter RIGHT together.  I am glad we broke it off.  For my next act I will be actively involved in ego-boosting diversions like job goals, learning to swim, meeting new friends and working out.

This way I'll be an even sexier and attractive catch for when I meet the REALlove of your life - and hey, if it does happen that doesn't happen either (which I am now even more prepared for that possibility) - I am comforted in the fact that I have MYSELF in addition to a GREAT support system of loving friends, a son and a wonderful family and that will be enough, and if happens that I am alone then so what, I will deal with that too and I will be A-ok.

Somebody Already Broke My Heart

Shaken, Not Stirred

In love and war, maintain military silence.  You can say more with silence than you can by speaking.  This is a lesson that I had to learn over time and as a good friend once told me, life ALWAYS let you repeat the class until you learn the lesson.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster since the breakup, I have gone from feeling down and depressed, to venting, retaliating and then to anger (I won't share some of the thoughts that crossed my mind - they are shocking and truly out of character to say the least) and hindsight is always twenty twenty. 

But its just interesting how its at the end that you are the most reflective and the signs of structural damage that were staring you in the face are the most pronounced. You saw things, BIG things, things that now made you pause and even want to kick yourself - but being so involved, you chose to ignore them. The lesson learned however is to always, always trust your gut and listen acutely to your instincts - we have them for a reason.  They exist to warn us of danger like a keen and overactive "spider sense". The trick is to LISTEN and not have our hearing impared by lust, emotional sappiness and the fear of ending the relationship too soon without the opportunity for it to appropriately develop.

I had to put these feelings down on paper today so that I could have it written down somewhere for future posterity should in case I lose this lesson. 

And for the Pompous, Self-Serving, Selfish, Emotionally-dead, User and Asshole of a Sham that I was just involved with (I said I was angry, I didn't say I was over it). I hope you one day learn your lesson too, so you can save the next guy the time and effort and allow him to be the "Best Thing you NEVER had." as I was and will continue to be.

I know he is going to reach out in a week or two, maybe a month - I would caution him to do so. Because the guy he is going to run into next is NOT the one that he's been dating the last 10 months - HE doesn't live here anymore.

Happy Trails everyone.

The Mourning After...

It's been a week of lessons and I have to wonder what is the statute of limitations on getting back into the game after a breakup.  For some people its a matter of days, weeks and even months - for me it was minutes and hours. 

Breakup occurred at 12:32p.m and by 1p.m. (I had other calls to return and grab a snack) I had dusted off my old Black Book and had arranged a "date" for after work that evening :-).  Is that "ho-ish" behaviour? hmmmm, I wonder.

Its nonetheless like that scene from the finale of Sex and the City Season Two where Carrie met Big outside the Plaza Hotel (his Engagement Party) and responded that: "your girl is lovely Hubble."  He didn't get it. And my Intelligent Dumbo didn't get it either - but I did. 

Maybe some MEN aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with..

Blame It On Me.

So my heart stopped beating for exactly five minutes at 12:32p.m. today.

The guy I have been seeing since last October 2010 broke up with me, this is someone I had met 5 years ago at a party in New Jersey and we kept in touch over the years and finally decided to date long distance and see what happened. For all in tense and purposes he was perfect - just not perfect for me.

Very few songs capture and define a relationship for me - but Chrisette Michele was dead on the money with this one:

Sometimes you can work it out
Sometimes you can't
Sometimes your forced to watch everything fall apart - it's out of your hands
Sometimes leaving is easy
Sometimes it's aint
Sometimes it hurts to know the loving you had was slowly fading away

Chorus:
You can say whatever you like
As long as we just say goodbye
Blame it on me
Say its my fault
Say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart
I really don't care
I ain't crying no more
Say I'm a liar a cheater
Say anything that you want
As long as it's over

I ain't a quitter
I just ain't the type
I tried to see you through
I tried to make it to the finishing line
Oh you thought it was meant to be yeah
I admit so did I
Every once in a while you think you figured it out
Sometimes your not right

Chorus

Yes I love you but I really got to lose you
Freedom is where I want to be
Yes I'll probably always love you
But I'm moving
I got to this for me.

+ + +

I am getting older though or am I just numb? As this breakup hasn't impacted me as all the others did. I love him - I will miss him, but for some reason I feel free.

Lets see how the rest of my life pans out without him in it.

Day one.