Adolescent Memories

We all have adolescent memories, whether it was a crush on the Captain of the Football Team or your first kiss on or before Prom Night, the first girlfriend or boyfriend and the first time we realized that we weren't kids anymore and growing up meant more than "dressing up" but actually taking control of our lives and making the tough decisions.

Somewhere along the path to manhood the romance in me died. Maybe it was never there to begin with or just that I came into the shocking realization after my first indepth relationship that the fantasy man that I created in my head during my adolescence was just that - a fantasy. A figment of my imagination of my heart tricking my mind into believing all those sappy love stories I saw on television and read during a Barbara Cartland phase of the one person that I would fall head over heals in love with and we would conquer all odds and ride off into the sunset together.

But reality is not imagination or fantasy and you learn quickly that the dreams of your youth are just that - dreams. And the older you get the further these dreams slip away as you are no longer caught up in the romance of a relationship especially when its shiny and new and you brace yourself for the day that it will end and you will be heartbroken. 

I often thought that women believed that only gay men were sensitive, this is a fallacy as ALL men have a sensitive side to them - hell, thats what makes us all human. And yes, men cry too in the dark. The fight for love has been replaced with the fight to not be jaded, to treat each new person that comes into your life and who you date as a "new person" and not hold them responsible for the hurt of your past. As someone once said to me "everyone has baggage and those who don't haven't been anywhere!"

My full set of past luggage comes designer labeled in my memories and dreams that somewhere out there is that guy who will knock me not off my feet but off my ass and reduce all those who came before him to mere auditions leading up the Grand Opening and all that is required of me is to keep working on ME and to keep believing that he is out there and that I will find him and just like in the romances of my youth - we will ride off into the sunset together.

I'll Rise

Paying Double The Black Tax

The is nothing to fear but fear itself.  I have seen fear held people back and kept them from accomplishing their true potential so many times that it makes me numb. In looking back on my journey, I have been through so much, seen so much, done so much and accomplished and regretted so much I oftentimes feel I would need three more lifetimes to be able to tell the stories.  But its all apart of living, its like my favorite quote from The Lion in Winter when Katherine Hepburn informs her children that she has wona and lost more battles than they have teeth.

I often feel that my mind is being held prisoner in a world where the color of my skin still set the limits on the dreams of my childhood.  Everyday comes with a new struggle to prove myself equal or better to my counterparts.  Bad enough to be an Intelligent Black Man in America but its paying Double the Black Tax to be an Intelligent GAY Black Man in America.  But even so you learn to thicken your skin and sharpen your teeth and always have your guard up - its the way of the war and the path to survival and no one is ever going to look out for you as well as you can look out for yourself.

With each defeat you learn and grow, with each setback your forge ahead more purposefully than before and with each goodbye you learn.

It's gonna be a long long journey

It's gonna be an up hill climb
It's gonna be tough
It's gonna be some lonely nights
But I am ready to carry on

I am so glad the worst is over
I can start living now
I feel like I can do anything
And finally I am not afraid to breath
Anything you said to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
Cause I am the living proof

So many thoughts fight
They just can't make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof
Oh yes I am

Thinking about life been painful
Yes it was
Took a lot to learn how to smile
So now I am gonna talk to my people about the storm
Oh so glad the worst is over
I can start flying now
My best days are in front of me
I am almost there
Cause now I am free

Everything you say to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
Cause I am the living proof
So many those who fight
They just can't make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof

I know where I am going
Cause I know where I have been
I am gonna feel starts that showing
I am gonna keep rolling
That's the way that I will
Everything you say to me
And everything you do

You can't deny the truth
Cause I am the living proof
So many those who fight
They just can't make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof

Nothing about my life has been easy
But nothing is gonna keep me down
Cause I know a lot about today
And I know yesterday
So I am ready to carry on
Oh Lord

The Muscle Bitch

Gay men in general are attracted to beautiful things and black gay men are no different. They all lust after the ideal, that symbol of male virility and potency, the guy with the killer body and devil-may-care attitude, the black sculpted Adonis that will make their friends green with envy - the "gym bunny" or most disparagingly known as the Muscle Bitch.

Everyone wants to screw the big muscle boy or muscle man, you know the type, the one who works out everyday sometimes TWICE a day (yeah morning and afternoon and if he didn't have to work to buy the whey protein would also be at the gym at lunchtime too).  In all of Gaydom there is no one more desired, more sough-after and more of a trophy than those who have achieved full physical potential and nothing is really wrong with that except - the attitude that comes with the ones who KNOW it.

But the question that is on your mind is who or what is a Muscle Bitch and how on God's earth can you spot one especially in Church AKA the gym of all places - rest assured because here are the answers to the questions...

Is My Gym Buddy a Muscle Bitch?

The first time I realized that I go to a predominantly gay gym was when I actually took an intermission from my rigorous workout routine and started to take stock of those around me. It is amazing what one discovers when you are able to put things under microscopic scrutiny.

So my story began when I first made it a point to get healthy so I'd been going to the gym regularly every afternoon for a few weeks but every time I go the place is packed and it's hard to find open equipment. Primarily due to the large amount of preening/scoping/ogling/cruising that goes on with the young gay/bi/curious/questioning guys. I thought maybe I'll make the commitment to get up a couple of hours early (6:30) and work out in the morning. Little did I know that the same thing happens in the mornings with the older married gay/bi/curious/questioning guys. Luckily however it's not as many so I get to at least use the equipment but in the process I've come up with 10 signs (things I've seen at my gym) of how to spot a gay/bi/curious/questioning guy at the gym. The next time you're at the gym take this list along and see if you can spot the gay guys at your gym and see if you too go to a gay gym.

1. If the guy spends 20 minutes in the locker room changing into his gym clothes....then he's gay.
2. If the guy is a muscle head but asks another muscle head how a piece of equipment works....then yeah - Muscle Bitch!
3. If the guy wears flip-flops, boat shoes, or dress shoes to the gym....then he's gay.
4. If the guy wears running shorts to workout but never runs on the treadmill, especially if they're in various neon colors....then he's gay.
5. If the guy shows up to the gym at 9:30 and the gym closes at 10....then he's gay.
6. If the guy has to go back to the locker room every 5 minutes because he "forgot" something....then he's gay.
7. If the guy spends more time recuperating from a set than he spent lifting the set, especially if the set was only 20 pounds....then he's gay.
8. If the guy spends 5 minutes working out but heads to the shower as soon as a hot guy finishes working out....then he's not just gay - he's the gym slut!
9. If the guy has the upper body of young Arnold Schwarzenegger but the legs of Olive Oyl (what I call top heavy)....then he's gay.
10. If the guy fails to notice a hot female walk through in spandex & a sports bra, but looks at every male that enters....yes sir - BIG Nelly.

I had long thought that I lost my superficiality at the climax of my twenties and that I was now on the prowl for someone more intellectually and spiritually deep than just plain surface attraction. The truth is what I really want is the total package as the most of the guys who are smart, sweet, honest and witty do NOT take care of themselves physically and if they do - then God help the person who they are seeking to date or worst be in a relationship with. It is shameful to say that I am ONE of those people. I want Mr. "3M" or Mr. Masculine, Muscular and Mature and try as I might - I am too old now to settle...so let the interview with the Muscle Bitches begin...because this employer has realized over time that I might just be the biggest bitch of all.

Always Read The Fine Print

Bromance

I shock alot of people when I tell them that not only is James Cameron my favorite movie director but my favorite movie of all time is the three hour epic Titanic.  Yes people, I saw Titanic 12 times in the theaters when it first came out - hell I wish I had written it.  It really wasn't the cinematography or the fact that James Cameron took a movie and a story that had been done so many times before and made it fresh and relevant - it was really the romance...the timeless love story...the romance that made the story and the movie worthwhile.

In this lifestyle of men who love men the sexual attraction and act of countless, mindless, meaningless sexual encounters are often what is perpetuated and its easier to find a guy to screw than a guy to just chill with and stand still with and who you can be your true self and act goofy.  Chances are when you actually DO find this person he is better off as a friend because the sexual or emotional chemistry is none existent.  Good luck if you can find it all in one package - I have not been so lucky.

I will always remember Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in this movie and just like "Rose" - I'll never let go.  I will always keep on hoping and believing in "Bromance" - the romance between brothers and hopefully in the not too distant future I will be able to emotionally be ready to actively date again and to find "bromance" in all its glory and then - I will be able to dream again...

Somehow, Someday, Somewhere - they'll be a place for us!

With all this talk about acceptance of our lifestyle and the ongoing battle for equal rights with Gay Marriage, I sometimes wish that Somewhere there was a place for us - someplace like that mythical island of Lesbos where the Lesbians were free to live and love without limits.

Someday however I am sure - we will all be free.  Someday, Someplace, Somewhere there will be a time and a place for us.