I Whip My Hair Back & Forth...

Every now and then you are caught doing something crazy.  Nothing is wrong with that - life is short and we are all entitled to a little madness, whether it is sporadic or deliberate.  What good is life if you can't feel alive?

Dream A Little Dream of Me...

I woke up at 3a.m. this morning from a nightmare.  It was about my ex. I thought that I had dealt with the breakup and had moved on but obviously I really hadn't as my subconscious was apparently still processing something.  Between the time it took to get out of bed and walk downstairs to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water I had began to think about the relationship that just ended and WHY it was still haunting me weeks after both of us had said our respect adieus. I couldn't help but wonder if he was thinking about me like this as well - I doubt it.

I recalled a poem I wrote about my dream of a loving relationship and how that poem and that dream was put into question now because of all things - I was becoming jaded.  What if there was no soul-mate wating for me out there in the great beyond? What if the person I was seeking didn't exist? Or had already been taken? What if I was destined to be alone?  Overwhelmed with questions and not alot of answers I decided to write these thoughts down come the morning, but in the meantime take my ass back to bed which is what I did.

I heard that a Blog is nothiing more than "graffiti with punctuation" so what the hell? I will continue to put my musings down on paper in the hopes that I will have enough material one day for a great novel or at least a very good compilation of short stories - you never know, we always find our lives far more fascinating than the lives of others.

My Dream


I've had a dream, since I was young
Of just how life should be,
But through the years, try as I might,
That dream eluded me.

I dreamed of a life that was filled with bliss;
I dreamed of love and sharing.
I dreamed, imagined and creatively planned
An adventure for two who were caring.

The road to today was paved with the dreams
That slowly got ground to dust.
And I've trudged that road and carried my load
And tried very hard just to adjust.

Each step made me stronger; each test made me wiser,
So on my long walk, I grew,
Till the time was right one magical night,
For the road to make room for two.

Now my brain shouts your name, and your loving reply
Makes a place for you in my heart.
Baby, it cries - so tender, so wise...
Let's make the adventure start!

Together we're blessed with a perfect match,
Something that's bright and new.
It's not too late, so let's create
A life that makes dreams come true.

Comes The Dawn

After awhile you learn

The subtle difference

Between holding a hand

And chaining a soul.

And you learn

That love does not mean leaning

And company

Does not mean security.

And you begin to learn

That kisses are not contracts

And presents are not promises

And you begin

To accept your defeats

With your head up

And your eyes open.

And learn to build all your roads

On today,

Because tomorrow’s ground

Is always shifting

And is too uncertain for plans,

And futures have

A way of falling down in mid flight.

After awhile you learn

That even sunshine

Burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn

That you really can endure

That you really are strong,

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn...

With every goodbye,

You learn.

The Idea of Me

The Idea of Me


A Poem by Robert Anthony Kerr
© August 2002

Do you love me?
Or do you love the idea of me?
Is it really me that you want?
Or is it we that you want?
Is it essential for you to live with me?
Or survive alone in despair without me?

Know these things
Before you open your mouth and let your tongue
proclaim you a fool.
Or believe it’s ‘aight because of a squeeze of my tool.
Because I’ve been hurt too many times,
Countless times
To let the idea of me,
The thought of me
The want of me
The need of me
The dream of me
Confuse you into confirming to yourself,
the love of me.

I'm more than a face,
A body and a job
Its not about the dimes that jingle
that everyone calls me Bob.
I'm not superficial
but romantic and kind
I ignite all your senses
I leave my past behind
But still,
your mind tells you to STOP.
The heart never listens
So all sanity it drops.
Because you claim you love me.
But you still really don’t know me.
What you really love is...
The idea of me.

So what if you are stationed in the Finance and Alone Department?
I don’t really give a shit, I’ve made too many deposits
And you’ve had too many withdrawals
Bankrupt of any passion you see me with a surveyors eye.
But I need you to excavate me
To drill deep down into my soul
Deep, deep, deep.
And deeper still...
Until you can see the very fabric of me
So put me under microscopic scrutiny
Until you have a map of me.
Lay me flat on a table and trace lines on me.
Extract me, dissect me, weight my emotions pound for pound.
And still…
All you have...
is the idea of me.

You don’t understand me do you?
I can see you exercise patience
Coupled with a little indifference
As your conscience confirms
That all I’m saying to you is true.
But let me break it down for you.
Ending your moments upon moments of
mental anguish,
Physical despair
emotional probing.

What am I to you?
The idea of me?

I, I, I, I, I, I am more than just
A warm body on a cold winter’s night.
The installer of a lightbulb to make your home bright.
The phone call you make from boredom at work
The man you complain to when your brother’s a jerk.
The release you feel when your loins do so ache
The correcting officer at your every mistake
The shoulder you cry on when times get bad
When you so mad
So sad
And then disappear when the world becomes glad.
Is it me you love?
Or the idea of me?

To love me is to hate me.
To desecrate me. . .
To annihilate me
To want to destroy me on occasion.
Given the persuasion
And the varied situations
The complications
Altercations
And every word for every deed
So...again, for the first time and the last time.
Is it me that you love?
Or is it...
the idea of me.

The Fire Beneath My Skin: A Novel

My new novel is in progress guys and I am in the process of fleshing out the characters, drafting the chapter outlines and putting together an introduction.  I am happy to say that the book is pretty much writing itself - will be sharing more as it develops.

The Characters:

Adam Dwight Adler – Has the looks, the body and the lavish midtown Manhattan apartment complete with the six figure job and a harem of potential suitors. Willful, full of ambition and equally imperious he is born to a middle class Jamaican family and has always gotten what he wanted – whether it was good for him or not. But would all his schemes and plans for the future be enough to keep his world from crashing down when he finally comes face to face with the man of his dreams… and his new diagnosis?

Malcolm Dewitt Carter – Was born with a fierce family obligation and was willing to sacrifice his happiness for the success of his siblings and the protection of his mother. Seeking refuge in his religion to suppress the fires burning beneath his skin he finds everything that he has worked for – swiftly and shockingly imperiled. Because for how long can the human spirit deny itself and its own demands before it comes crashing down like high waves against a calm shore?

Steven Jeremiah Jackson is a man’s man who has divorced 3 wives on 2 continents. The owner of a successful chain of gyms and health spas, Steven has managed to cruise along in life on the success of his physical attributes instead of his intelligence. But on a fateful night he meets an high powered judge that will shake his foundations to the core and reveal to Steven that despite the sham of heterosexuality there were more scandalous fires of desire burning deeper beneath his skin.

Rohan Charles Grady III must move from under the iron grasp of his domineering parents to make a way for himself despite their hopes, dreams and expectations. The son of a Fortune 500 CEO and a powerful black U.S. Senator, Rohan knows that it is already difficult to exist in the shadow of his over-achieving parents. But already unable to live up to their expectations can he also tell them that not only is he gay and married but his life partner is white?

A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime?

Boy Meets Boy

So I met this guy at a party in New Jersey five years ago - I still remember the powder blue sweater that clung to his body and accentuated each and every bulging muscle, not to mention the form-fitten black slacks that he had on that revealed a shapely behind and thick muscular legs...it was lust at first sight and then he spoke.  Intelligence and witt flowed from him like a waterfall after a flood storm and I was hooked.

Several years (and a few relationships later) he reconnected with me via "LinkedIn" and we started dating. We were still in two different places in our lives, I had relocated to North Carolina with my job and he had finished his PhD and was looking for a tenured position at any University that would take a chance on a Research Associate.  Despite the distance - we were happy and excited at prospect of a life together and we decided to take a shot at making our relationship work.

Boy Hurts Boy

Somewhere in the first month I began to feel that the relationship was one-sided. I opted to stick it out hoping that my Mr. Right would come to his senses rather than walking away. That's when I discovered that he wasn't as committed to our relationship as I thought and just because he's not making any moves to end things doesn't mean he's committed. Men so dislike confrontation they'd rather ride out a so-so relationship than be the one to call it quits.


I guess the one major excuse for not saying "see ya" to this man once I realized that I was the one sending the flowers, making the effort for us to be together and discussing the plans for the future was that I was just too smitten and by this time had invested alot of emotional energy that bailing out seemed like such a waste of time.

Hindsight is truly 20/20 as the if I know now what I knew then I would have not been as hesitant in cutting ties and in taking a long hard look at the relationship. I would have put him and the relationship under microscopic scrutiny to realize just how Self-Absorbed, Self-Serving and Selfish he was and that coupled with my Giving and Caring nature - this was bound to end and end badly.  There were other clues as well such as he was distant, didn't seem outwardly psyched to see me when we got together, was not overly enthused to meet my family and sex was a train wreck - we did it IF and WHEN he wanted to do it.  Lesson here is NEVER discount your gut - you have instincts for a reason.  If I had been able to compare FACT with FICTION it would have helped me to accept that his heart was just not into it.

Learn To Kick Him Off His Pedestal or Better yet NOT be the one to install him there...

Ponder this: Is he really all that? Okay, really? Often, the hurt is less about losing the man himself and more about not having someone.  Plus you could be seeing this guy through rose-colored glasses. So focus on his bad points instead of concentration on the good. It will help you realize that he isn't nearly as hot or fun as you thought. Boy will I take a page out of THIS book going forward.

Boy Leaves Boy and moves On to the Next Boy

In going forward I will try NOT to wander down the "What's wrong with me?" road. It was clear that this Book Smart Moron was just too dumb to appreciate me, and that doesn't mean I'm a loser - it really means that HE is.  Based on HOW our relationship ended it was clear now that he didn't love me and it had nothing really to do with me - it was really because we were just not a good match nor for that matter RIGHT together.  I am glad we broke it off.  For my next act I will be actively involved in ego-boosting diversions like job goals, learning to swim, meeting new friends and working out.

This way I'll be an even sexier and attractive catch for when I meet the REALlove of your life - and hey, if it does happen that doesn't happen either (which I am now even more prepared for that possibility) - I am comforted in the fact that I have MYSELF in addition to a GREAT support system of loving friends, a son and a wonderful family and that will be enough, and if happens that I am alone then so what, I will deal with that too and I will be A-ok.

Somebody Already Broke My Heart